I am an idiot.
I do really, really unforgivably obnoxious things sometimes. The thing that kills me about it is that I CONTINUE to do them even though I am FULLY AWARE of how much they annoy other people.
For example, I will argue a point long after the subject has been exhausted. I get this from my father. I wish that I didn't do this because my sisters don't do it. Just me. My dad is a really cool person but he can also be really obnoxious sometimes. This is precisely the thing that has driven my mother nuts for years and the thing that caused my sisters and I to completely tune him out when I was growing up. When my sister graduated from high school, the general consensus was that she was the most like Dad. She has the same thought process, a similar intelligence level, etc. I remember feeling slighted and disenfranchised in some respect-- not because I wanted to be just like him but more that she somehow inherited all the admirable qualities and I had inherited all the ones nobody wanted to lay claim to. Don't get me wrong: my dad doesn't have many bad qualities. However, it does seem that the mantle of this particular characteristic has been bestowed upon Yours Truly with a general lack of the kind of intelligence and logic necessary to legitimize it.Sadly, it seems my family might agree with this assessment.
Another example is the way I just talk to fill up empty space. I feel like I chatter incessantly and it annoys even ME. Why can't I figure out how to shut up? I will talk about anything continually so long as it doesn't mean an awkward silence. I make myself look like an idiot regularly. I don't know if it's more annoying or embarrassing. I wish I had a chatterbox conscience that would tell me when to shut off my word vomit. Seriously, what is the value of going on about coloring inside the lines? Why talk someone's ear off about ballet when they couldn't care less? Will I ever learn to value silence?
I know I do other annoying things, too. I can tell by the way my classmates generally avoid me, family members skirt around certain issues and my friends space out in my presence. Still, I think these are the core of the problem. The issues herein is, however, that I have known these things for quite awhile. So, what's the problem? Are these my "pet transgressions"? Am I seriously so prideful that I am wont to rid myself of these things? Or is it simply who I am? And if it is, how do I harness these qualities and render them for good instead of repellent, self-destruction?